Emotions uncontrollable

Mon- Wed. So many things happened. So many emotions. I can only keep them to myself and act happy in the lab. Its really mentally tiring and I tried very hard to immerse myself into their culture.

Today on my way home in the bus, I couldn't help but miss my life and everything in Singapore. Friends and family....Tears welled up but of cause I couldnt let it fall...in public. I told myself to be strong...as I may seem..but its tiring and I need a break.

Though my seniors and sunbae treat me nice but I have no close friends here. Its hard to get into their inner circle if you cannot speak their language and Koreans will alwys stick by themselves. Its the loneliness that is unbearable and the inability to communicate w them fluently in Korean. Did I mention that my seniors alwys speak to me in Korean? They expect me to follow their trend. If you show no interest in their language or keep speaking in either Eng or Chinese, they will outcast you. Lunch time is alwys with the WHOLE lab so they can chat in Korean but I will just eat. I cannot understand why can't they make the effort to speak English too? Afterall, they know English and they NEED it.

Its hard to put down in words what I am feeling now. You have to experience it for yourself. I did not regret my decision though the culture is suffocating. It just make me know that I might not do my PHD in SNU. Too many eyes. Too many politics.

I miss xiao pang, jinxy, oma, yeye, nainai...there are times when I wish I can become a little girl again... Times when I'm too tired to think, too tired to fake, too tired to bother abt the politcs...

Being strong is hard...and I am learning...

Ok! I'm done w being emo.

Good night.