Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Volatile

Instead of saying I'm petty, I coined a new term for my character: V-O-L-A-T-I-L-E

May be a wrong word, a wrong action, or even silence could trigger the low boiling point which I believe is due to my genotype. Forever changing- character, plans and mood...

I should be happy I'd gotten straight As for my 2nd semester. But this happiness lasted for only 24hrs. Recently I'm feeling suffocated and I need to go away. I don't know where.

Just somewhere.

My mind pictured all the flaws of people close to me. Its mind wrecking to try and forgive by comparing faults with merits. I've did that most of my recent years and am tired. Mentally.

I could not rely or be dependent on anyone. even for just a teeny weeny moment. I thought I found a shoulder to cry or rely on but reality is cruel.

I don't like pretending or not being able to be myself. I am thankful that all these past incidences made me grow and be a more patience person.

Mr/Mrs Right is someone who grow with you...but

I feel that I am growing alone. I can't help but take those words to heart.

Some things are easy to forget while some stay for life.

Its not 100% now... its just oh wells I don't know.

I just hate Adam and Eve.

May

I dust my blog and realise however deserted, my memories are still kept...

Alrighty! Enough with the emo. I have been keeping a calender on my desk since I started working in A* and write down daily activities. It started off as just a daily reminder to keep check my appointments with friends and of course, due to my non-renewable brain cells. But now, it has become a diary of what happens within a yr. It serves well to rekindle my memories as I am really not diligent in diary keeping.

Looking back in May.....

1) Caught Ironman II and went to Seoul International Food Fair with Desmond, Ines, Inas, Vince and zw. A sunny spring with loads of multi-national food and people.

2) Played my first bball in Hangang. I always feel best when I perspire.

3) I permed my hair! haha! I only live once right?! It costs only 40,000KRW. Not bad though my friends were shocked and I told them I had an explosion in the lab

4) Amelia (Su ann's friend) came to Seoul alone and we met up. Initially it felt weird since I've never met her and what should I talk to her about? haha but it turns out all fine. She's as chirpy as I was and man! She stands out. Among the throngs of ppl in Itaewon, you can spot her. That is stand out. Not to mention she received many requests for a drink or chill out. I super love her dressing style. Cool and chic!

5) Went to Lantern festival with Amelia, Des, Ines and Vince. Zw went to China. They had a major celebration for Buddha's birthday =D

6) Happily I bought flowers from SNU, dressed in my best and made a 2hrs trip to Incheon airport to welcome zw back. But his flight was cancelled. I know I can't blame anybody but it felt stupid and frustrating to carry flowers to & fro only to get your hope dashed. Try pouring ice water on me during Winter. I expect more than 'what to do? You go home lo' Ok, I must contain the fire within me. Dam it.

7) Organized a rafting trip in Inje Gangwon-do. Proceed to Sorak mountain and stayed the night there. Seafood aplenty!! Too bad no seafood lovers except me =(

Nothing much except that I did my first lab meeting presentation. I was so stressed the entire week before that I stayed in lab till 1030pm and my mood was so bad for those past weeks.
I flared up no reason. I am not confident of myself. I have many doubts. I hate this!

But anyway, it's over. May I have a good year ahead =)

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Female Genital Mutilation

I did not watched Blind Side instead, Desert Flower. An autobiography by Waris Dirie remade into a film by Academy Award winner producer- Peter Herrmann.


What is the film about?



- At age 3, Waris and all African females alike were circumsized.



- At age 14, Waris was forced to marry to a man so old he can be her grandfather.



- She planned her escape through the desert on straw slippers and a thin piece of shawl.



- The rest of the novel talks about how she overcame her odds and became a supermodel.



The main focus of her book/movie was about: Female genital mutilation



When I first read the novel a few years back, I was shocked and disgusted by the practice and the mentality of humans that female were unclean creatures and something has to be done to get rid of this evil.



Mutilation aside first, even in our modern lives we faced comments like, a woman menstruation is unclean, do not walk under or wash your clothes together with female's inner wear, buying sanitary pad for women is unlucky etc....



So many unwarranted superstitions yet there is one mind-boggling question:


'' Where did you come from?''



Inside the womb for 9 months feeding on blood (yes, of a woman) and expanding so huge that you weigh more than a basketball.



And finally, you decided you've had enough of blood sucking and wanted to escape.



Through where?



You, of all places, found the narrowest place to escape. So narrow that doctors have to cut up the opening and mothers have to push and scream like mad to expel you out. In unfortunate incidents, they might end up with massive blood loss and even unconsciousness.



You grew and realised one fine day that '' wow! I'm different! I've an external organ''



An organ that defines you male, an organ that gives you the pride akin to the lion.



An organ that your mother gave you.



It is saddening to think that female discrimination still occurs even in this modern era. There are dress code, behaviour code, family code ....The list is longer than my journal.



For example:



In the Middle East, women must cover from head-to-toe sometimes using a veil to cover their eyes even during the hot summer. Women are not to step out of houses without husband. Women should not talk to stranger men. Marriages for women is to be arranged by family.....



The extreme my occur in such traditional countries but advanced countries such as Korea, Japan has their fair share too.



Woman is responsible for the household (I think this is the international code), women had to serve their husband because the oh-so-dear husband is so tired after work and he is the breadwinner! He takes home the bread and sits on the sofa strewing his socks and stuffs all over the place, while you sweetly takes the bread, knead it, baked it, check recipes for different dishes else, he'll finds you a bore, clean up all his mess, and the to-do list goes on.... Not to mention if you'll be working the next day too. Do not complain unless you want to hear ''So tiring ar, then don't work. I can support you.'' Or some MILs will comment '' You asked for it ( translated to Hokkien, Chinese/other dialects). Its not as if the household needs you to work''.



Work is always an option for women.



In company settings, its always the women serving water, serving wine (soju in the case of korea) , acting like a maid literally. Women have to ENDURE unreasonable mother-in-law because she is old and you married her son. In Japan, women are held lower post in companies, helps husband to take off socks, put on slippers when he reached home (ok, this might be normal to some, but to me: ridiculous) Crippled or what?



Every good/marriagable woman should be able to cook and sew, be sweet and gentle and endurance power 101%. To add a bonus, you can be brainy and work but NEVER earn more than your husband or try to be SMARTER than him.



Being a woman is tough, even tougher if you're born in education-limited and traditional countries. To inflict a lifetime torment to a woman because you deemed that she is unclean the day she is born is sad.



Genital mutilation occurs in every part of the world. Every minute you spent toddling with your iPod, surfing facebook, watching movies, 6000 female toddlers are being mutilated.



In poverty-stricken countries, there are no doctors. Only village witch-doctors whom the non-educated trusted with their life. If there is a caste system for sex, female will be at the bottom. They listened to their husbands and could not/ dare not argue against their ideas else the whole family consisting of 10 people would starve. ( They have no contraception.)



The mother holds her toddler tight in her embrace and pries open her legs awaiting the rusty scissors and blades to pierce through the vulnerable genital organs. The 'doctor' then performs her familar acts. Slice up the external skin to remove the clitoris and then, sew up the entire vaginal leaving a hole as small as a matchstick ( adapted from Waris Dirie's novel). Removed parts were eyed eagerly by circling hawks and eagles.



Most of them die.



Those who lived, led a life of physical and mental torture. Can you imagine excreting your liquid waste through a tiny hole? Can you imagine the constant burning pain and scar that you'll see forever as long as you live?



Can you imagine having intercourse when you're married?



Yes, the second nightmare comes when they're arranged to be married off to a man, usually few decades older but rich. Rich in the sense that they have a few more pathetic cows/sheeps/ camels that will be able to sustain the entire family for a few more months.



Is that why they have so many children? So they can sell them off if they need the necessities in life?



On the fateful night, the husband will use a knife/scissors/ anything sharp ( well, who knows if guys can think straight when their testosterone level is mountain high?) to cut open the once-sewed up wound and force himself inside disregarding the immense pain, bleeding and infection that ensues. After his hormones are satisfied, this poor little girl (usually they are underaged between 10-15) is left to recover on her own. Unrecoverable, they are left to bleed to death in a deserted hut so as not to bring evil and bad luck to the husband.



Should they get pregnant, in this case, I would say the pregnancy is unlucky. The not-even-puberty girl is left alone in the hut to bring the unborn to earth-alone. MIL/ villagers will claim the baby and leave the life and death of the mother to the wind....



So much pain for just one belief: Women's reproductive organ is deemed evil and should she not be sewed up, she is unclean and will be oust from her village.



Who should we blame? The poverty? The lack of education? Or the sex discrimination that is embedded in us since Adam and Eve?



Such extremities do not occur to us in our countries but we've read enough of home abuse, extra-marital affairs, cheats.... Women dare not speak up be it for the sake of her children or the constant fear and reliance on the male.



I cannot put myself entirely in their shoes, maybe...maybe if it happens to me one day, I might be able to understand the reason behind such endurance....Love they call it.



Love is a weapon yet a shield...



I'm lucky not to be born in the olden era else, I wish I'd been Wu Ze Tian.



'' I can live with nobody but, I just do not wish to lead a life without somebody....''





Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Mid term exam and Movie


10am Biochemistry mid term: Sucks. Microtubules, actin, motor proteins, channels.... Nobody told us the format, no key points to be studied, no notes, just the f$#@& textbook which is too tedious to read.

Alright, blame no one but myself right? Let me complain this once. Everybody's telling us that coursework are not as important as research. Well in a way, kinda true. But this caused me to let my guard down and I admit I did not studied as hard as before.

Oh no! PY!! WAKE UP!!

Due to my post-examination depression, I decided to watch Blind Side with my Nepal friend in Guro digital complex. haha. Heard that its inspirational and I surely need a tad of that NOW!

Research wise, everything's not bad. But a hell of a week is coming as I need to help my senior in her experiments. I miss working life.... No stress.

After work = switch off mind, switch on TV. =D

Tomorrow is Children's Day (5th May) and also Korea's PH. Yea! I have suggested a trip to climb Bukhansan =) I have archived this for sooooo long.

The weather hovers between 10-20 and people are donned in summer's shorts and tees. I feel the heat too.... =s

However, this season's clothes are especially nice compared to last autumn.

On a side note, I went for dental scaling after my exam. Physical pain is better than mental depression. kidding. The scaling service is detailed and the dentist goes through every tooth I have and drill beneath the gums to get those stubborn plaque out. I was shocked to see
so much blood- dark red, after scaling. TT.TT

I have inflammation of the gums (gingivitis) and was scheduled to visit the gum professional ( I think that is just another dentist who is more senior) 2 weeks later.

But you know what! I learnt how to floss my teeth the correct way!! haha Oh my! I've been flossing it wrongly for all those times in my life that I floss which accumulates to less than a month

Anyway, today's exam serves as a wake up call for me to pull up my socks!

Alrighty! I gota run for my movie!!!

PS: The exam blind sided me TT.TT

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Spring Thoughts

So much has happened. Everything will subside...eventually.

Yes, I should be studying as my mid-term is next tues. Hate it! Biochemistry!! =X

Zw went to meet June & Julia for a day trip to Yongin Everland. If not for my exam, I would have went =( My only memory of that is Year 2000...

Cooked Ottogi's pancake for breakfast and it was nice (well, at least I like it). Better than other brands I have tried. Ottogi is their trusted Korean brand for 7 decades....Good quality assured!

Hm... busy with work, outing with singapore friends who came for tour, study, experiments and quarrels... Yes.. I'm feeling moody these days.

You know its like..one fine day you plopped on the chair and suddenly feel everything's not right? I feel ugly, I feel fat, I feel poor, I feel nothing's working, I feel stressed, I feel nobody understand, I feel like I just wana crawl out and disappear. I don't usually have such times. It comes once in a blue moon.

I feel I don't belong anywhere, everywhere on this Earth.

Don't you guys feel this sometimes?

I smile, I laugh, I gossip, I pretend.... At times its too tiring I just want to be true...But the burden of my emotions fell on people closest to me.

I threw my temper and drove myself to a corner, literally. A wall, a fortress so safe I feel I'm excellent at construction. Its time to come out of my war zone and discard other's opinion of me.

I admit my volatile temper has caused hurt to others but it was an emotional roller coaster for me too.... except with no safety assurance... All I depend on was my hippocampus to create a physiological equilibrium so I don't get flung out and killed. At times when I thought the ride was over, it started again....

But it was also this roller coaster that took me to Seoul, that allow me to know you, but sadly you'll be part of the ride too...

Like a chronic inflammation, leading bad feelings to metastasize and poison the once innocent mind. The immune cells, they serve to protect but they don't realise sometimes they hurt the innocent bystanders. Too caught up in their own pursuits, they fail to notice the normal cell changing...a phenotypic environment... A constant struggle.

Thank you to you for listening to me. Nobody will ever understand somebody, not even mothers' whose umbilical cord is attached to yours for 9 months.

With a scissors, the outsider cuts the bonded cord in one swift motion.

Is that why babies cry? The action of departing from the womb to face the polluted world....

When I was young, I want to grow up fast. Lipsticks, high heels, mum's clothes.

Now, I want a time machine. Toys, stroller, love....

Life is an ironic, isn't it?

~ The most beautiful things in Life are transient. That is why Life herself is short...~

Friday, April 9, 2010

Ohayo Nippon!

I have booked my tickets to Japan as below:



17/9/2010 - Seoul to Osaka



26/9/2010 - Nagoya to Seoul



10 days of roadtrip! The only thing I look forward in 2010 is my trip of the year: Japan!



We planned to scale Mt Fuji! And hopefully I can realise this because I miss the adventures and adrenaline rush after being dormant during winter.



Anybody wana go japan? We can meet up there! haha it'll be so fun and its a different feeling to meet your friends overseas =D

Down with....

Flu, projects, research, exams....

My throat is inflammed and I dread using my voicebox. haha aint it a miracle to hear this from me? ^^

Went to Costco (a hyper mart from USA) yesterday with Inas (my senior) and bought 50,000 worth of food that sharkie told me to stop buying food for the next 1 mth =X

My throat got worst yesterday and I popped 1 prednisolone, 2 serriatiopeptidase and 1 panadol. It worked and luckily the sore did not worsen and no fever, else I think I will die on my way to school due to the hectic schedule this week.

Woke up 7am and reach lab 820am.

Performed time-dependent drug experiments till 930am.

Lab meeting 930am - 12pm

I have 6hr, 9hr, 12hr, 24hr plates of cell to harvest for today and tomorrow,simultaneously with WB experiments. So, I'm sure no one would wish to wake up at 7am to go to the lab with a flu and a throbbing head =(

Haha given me in the past, I'd surely take an MC.

I realise I need ALOT of self-discipline for performing time-based assays. But now I admit to fate.

PhD is not a test of knowledge but an excruciating test of self-discipline and independence, and mine stops at MSc. ^o^

I chose this path, I must finish it perfectly.

The research in SNU or rather my faculty is intensive. The students are usually left by themselves to perform research and they usually manage to generate paper, even for MS students. The competition is high.

Esp if I'm a foreigner, all eyes will be on me and my experimental data. Ppl expect more especially if you're from advanced countries. Stress... I really don't wish to be linked to my country for everything I do. Like ppl will say ''oh, you're from spore so you'll surely speak eng well, I expect more from you, this well that well...'' In their eyes, Spore is a role model.

I used to lament alot about korea, their culture and ppl but after being here for almost 10 mths, I think Korea is not that bad afterall. You just have to assimilate into the culture. Eg: Shoving your way in subway, being mean to ppl who are mean to you. haha nah kidding.

We had the freshman's party last friday and it was a blast. so funny. The students did cross dressing and are creative in their plays. The difference btw korean SCIENCE students and spore science students: More creative, more daring, more fashionable and more manly.

The students are fashion followers. Haha I like to look at some of their dressing. Kinda inspirational and school is not boring with EYE CANDIES! Girls & guys alike. So, I got a fashion shock when I went back to Spore for CNY. Orchard Rd is filled with kids in slippers and ugly cotton on basics. City hall is slightly better. There is no place you can DRESS UP in Spore. Ppl will think you are weird. This is so sad.....Where can I wear my MJ jacket to?! =(

Celebrated our 5th mth. haha yea. so wu liao right. every mth also must celeb. haha we went to COEX for Clash of Titans in 3D. Not really amazing. I still prefer LOTR. 3D is nothing to hype about. Thanks for planning and trying to do things that I like =) Appreciate it. Simple but happy.

Lijia has went back to China. Sometimes I lunch alone or with my Nepal friend. I don't know since when being alone is no longer intimidating...in fact, it has become my time to think about stuff, to slow down my 'korean' pace and be myself.

After I graduate maybe I should do a trip alone. haha like the Bai Quan Nu wang show! Travel ard Taiwan and coincidentally meet Lucas! Woohoo!

Alrighty, I am talking non-stop coz I am waiting to harvest my 9hr cells and do western blot....

*Where should I go next?''